WESTMINSTER – in what historians (read: under-caffeinated high school students) around the world are already calling “the political equivalent of tripping over your own foot but trying to play it off,” the United Kingdom has stumbled headfirst into a classic snap election disaster – triggered, unsurprisingly, by a vote of no confidence in a minority government that couldn’t agree on any facet of the federal budget.

Prime Minister Thomas Hobbes (no intellectual or familial relation whatsoever to his famous philosopher namesake), whose approval ratings recently plummeted below the average temperatures of the British moors (in Fahrenheit – not Celsius), had hoped that calling a general surprise election might serve to “restore order” to a UK brought to the brink of revolution by a catastrophic economic recession that left approximately 75% of the population unemployed, revived fiery enmity towards the French people at large, and even the return of Thatcher-esque school milk recalls. Outrage towards foreign nations erupted as well, with mass protests in the streets of London condemning the new tariffs ordered by King Donald Trump of the United States, this time raised to an eye-popping 10,000%. Instead, the result of Hobbes’ efforts was an ill-boding hung parliament: Hobbes’ Labour Party won the most seats – 287 – yet still did not manage to scrape together enough to constitute a majority government. The Tories (conservatives) emerged with 219 seats, while the feebler Liberal Democrats spent most of the campaign reminding voters they still existed. Turns out the SJWs have been brutally dethroned.

Meanwhile, the recently created “Pro-Hitler Evil Horrible Terrorist” Party, to the terror of citizens throughout the UK and the world at large, captured 42 seats – particularly from constituencies where younger voters either a) believed the party to be a joke or b) were attempting to launch a much more sinister and violent repeat of the rejection of traditional culture that occurred in the 1960s. Despite the fact that they hold a minority of seats, voters have very real concerns about the possibility of their influence on any laws and policies established by the government. 

With the once-hallowed House of Commons now resembling a very tense family reunion, the UK finds itself officially in coalition courtship mode. At Downing Street, the Cabinet has assumed a position of “see no evil, speak no evil.” Sources say Prime Minister Hobbes is standing by “waiting for someone to sort it out” and secretly rereading John Locke’s Two Treatises of Government in search of hidden clues for how to deal with the UK’s crises and appease its furious population. Though whispers of an illicit agreement between the Labour and Liberal Democrats are growing louder, it seems unclear whether this attempt will yield fruit. Should coalition talks collapse, Labour may attempt to govern as a minority government, relying on confidence and supply agreements to pass legislation – a highly risky approach, given the current fragmented state of Parliament. King Charles, meanwhile, set to rule for just as long as his illustrious mother did (some claim he will surpass even her lifespan), has yet to return to England to offer support to his subjects, being busy with inspecting various Scottish apothecaries’ supposedly “life-extending” elixirs. It appears he has not learned from the lessons of his eponymous ancestor. 

Yet the glaring lack of a written constitution very unhelpfully means the frenzy threatening to tear the UK apart is far from illegal – only deeply, deeply British. As Westminster enters yet another desperate round of “Will they? Won’t they?” coalition talks, those few members of the public who can still afford regular food watch with fear and rapidly diminishing hope, flavorless beans and soggy bread in hand. Britain’s bar for political success is as low, if not lower than its culinary one. It’s reached dire, dire times. 

Yet only time will tell what’ll happen next! Reporting from Westminster, this is Isabelle Qi for BBC News – stay tuned for updates, and don’t forget to subscribe to our YouTube channel! 

Note: the BBC is offering therapy to anyone who is able to pay for it, though this does limit the pool of potential patients to several aristocrats, a dozen miscellaneous investment bankers, the British royal family, and Benedict Cumberbatch.