WEDNESDAY, 2/14/24 – I, esteemed critic Arron “Arro” Gant, sat enduring the agony of Nicole Kidman’s droning voice in the obligatory AMC theater commercial during previews, reclined as much as I could in a rickety, poorly-cushioned seat with mysterious stains on the armrests. Forcing down a stale, 1300-calorie lump of meat and gluten masquerading as an $18.99 burger, my hopes for the new romantic comedy starring Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos were about as high as the average depressed teenager’s self-esteem. Universal Studios, for one, has never, by my standards, produced anything remarkable; naturally, the only question about this latest film  was the degree of atrocity it would reach. Surely, I thought, the film  would be far from enough to please my tastes (I like to think of myself and my judgment as a real-life version of that food critic from Ratatouille, only better). On top of this, instead of going for big names such as Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt, Universal had chosen to cast amateur performers Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos. Musk, nearing the salt-and-pepper age of 52, and Bezos, ripe at age 59, appeared at first to be out of their element and an ill-boding decision for the movie’s financial success. 

In my thirty-four years as an elite critic for the New York Times, The Guardian, Cosmopolitan, Metacritic, Rotten Tomatoes, and many more (to see more of my experience, connect with me on LinkedIn – it’s free!), I’ve had my fair share of films so tone-deaf that they could have been directed by Hellen Keller. This was part of the reason I recently considered an early retirement, a possibility all my colleagues lamented intensely. I extend my sympathy to them! Losing such a visionary critic as myself would certainly deal a terrible blow to the field. As the lights dimmed down low and my nostrils wallowed in the scent of over-buttered popcorn and the disastrous body odor of the inconsiderate moviegoer next to me, I prepared myself for what could be the final disappointment in my career as a critic. 

I was completely and utterly wrong. 

And I, in all my illustrious years in the industry, have never been wrong. 

Despite being relatively obscure actors with little experience in high-profile productions, Musk and Bezos brought raw, tear-jerking emotion and eloquence to the sprawling, 4-hour-and-20 minute epic. The movie, centering on the dark, turbulent romance between up-and-coming stock broker Raymond (Musk) and heartless mafia boss Bartholomew (Bezos), tears down the banal barriers of convention. Everything viewers have come to expect from cliché romance stories is twisted, turned, and pulled right out from underneath their feet. Musk, for instance, is most certainly not your generic bachelor “hottie”, having fathered ten full children – enough to assemble a Musk family volleyball team – and developed a rotund, pear-shaped figure. Bezos matches his co-star in terms of notoriety. From public legal battles with poor ex-wife MacKenzie Scott to intimately frolicking with the dreadful Lauren Sanchez, he definitely understands how to put on a good show for the public. Ultimately, perhaps this is what led both stars to such a successful performance: their mutual love for the limelight.

Reviving the classic enemies-to-lovers trope without bowing down to stereotypes is quite the task in the 21st century. Yet, Priceless Love: To Infinity & Beyond somehow manages to execute the challenge impeccably. The film throws in a generous dose of competition between our two leads – who is richer, a Wall Street broker or a minor mafia boss? – to give the audience that extra sense of seat-clenching adrenaline. Musk and Bezos’ cinematic love story is incredibly slow-burn, lasting over 15 years in the plotline, which is sure to have viewers squealing with delight at the inevitable scene where “I hate you” turns into “I lied”. The Shakespearean drama of the lovers’ quarrel was enough to reduce grown men in the audience to a collective puddle of tears, clutching at each other for support (in a moment of uncharacteristic emotion, I found myself sniffling and my own sinuses growing inflamed as well). In one of the most climactic moments in contemporary entertainment, Bartholomew collapsed to his knees before Raymond, going so far as to clasp his palm and tearfully plead for his affections (Bezos, with his gleaming Mr. Clean pate and slightly menacing build, was clearly the most perfect choice to play the cold crime leader Bartholomew). Audience members at the film’s premiere were said to have swooned so severely that they needed to be resuscitated by theater staff. Signed copies of the limited edition movie poster, depicting Musk and Bezos intertwined in a passionate love-hate embrace, were distributed as compensation. 

Of course, like any critic worth his salt, I was initially inclined to go into the theater with as harsh and scathing a bias against Priceless Love: to Infinity & Beyond as possible. Yet, almost as if I was an adolescent girl, I was unable to resist the charms that Heartthrob Musk and Bad Boy Bezos brought to the big screen. How could I, when Raymond and Bartholomew’s extraordinary verbal duel of

BARTHOLOMEW (gazing intensely at RAYMOND): Admit it, Mr. Raymond. You secretly admire my masculine strength and macho prowess.

RAYMOND (averting his eyes, a faint blush creeping across his cheeks): I wouldn’t go that far…well, maybe a little bit. You’re so manly, it makes me giggle.

BARTHOLOMEW (eyes widening with genuine shock): What did you say? 

RAYMOND (stuttering): N-Nothing.

BARTHOLOMEW (with fierce desperation): You better be serious.

RAYMOND (tentatively): I am, Bartholomew. 

BARTHOLOMEW (grinning): Please, call me Barty.

had fans squealing across the globe? In an exclusive behind-the-scenes interview, Bezos admitted that the iconic “Please, call me Barty” line was in fact unscripted, stating that “the chemistry Elon and I had in that moment could not be denied…we just went with the flow and the results turned out to be amazing.” The film is packed with moving moments just like that! Viewers worldwide will applaud the spectacular authenticity of the pair’s “bromance”, which is comparable  to those great actors of tradition who established precedent for the entertainment industry as we know it. They are “the new Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr,” comments fellow actor Mark Zuckerberg. Hamilton and Burr, known for their stellar performance as male co-leads in perhaps one of the most respected historical romance dramas of all time (The Burr-Hamilton Duel, available in history textbooks and various other platforms), carved the path  for the Hollywood romantic scene for centuries to come. The Burr-Hamilton Duel set audience expectations high, transcending genres, incorporating political intrigue, action, and, of course, a hot colonial love story! Likewise, Priceless Love: to Infinity & Beyond’s legendary impromptu “Barty” scene will surely redefine the enemies-to-lovers standard for the rest of industry. Rumors of a nomination for the Academy Award for Best Picture are already circulating amongst the film community.

With the global success of the movie, netizens everywhere obsessively proclaim that the Jelon ship – that is, Jeff x Elon – has officially sailed in real life. Comments ranging from “It has to be a sign” and “Maybe they both haven’t found the one because they’re the one” to “Gonna start writing fanfiction right now” have taken the internet by storm. Romantic scenes featuring the two together have even made it into “Top 10 Times Actors Weren’t Acting!” compilations on YouTube. When asked to comment on the internet’s adoration of the Jelon phenomenon,  Musk stated that this was an example of “the blind leading the blind”, followed by a declaration that “[his company] SpaceX needed to financially outdo [Bezos’ company] Blue Origin, so I gotta get back to hating Bezzy again”. Still, there’s no doubt of the pure magic Musk and Bezos create together, as evidenced by the film’s commercial success ($69 billion in total box office revenues) and the gushing reviews left by the many critics lesser than myself. Gone are the days of cheesy lines and mildly disgusting kiss scenes – Priceless Love: to Infinity & Beyond has revolutionized the playing field for forbidden love. Romeo and Juliet who? This critic only knows Raymond and Barty – or, more accurately, Elon and Jeff. ❤

Arro Gant’s Critic Rating: 5/5 (RARE!)

Priceless Love: to Infinity & Beyond is in theaters now. A must-watch for fans of guilty-pleasure age gaps, middle-aged Facebook mothers, expiring billionaire actors, and furious Tesla shareholders eager for blackmail against Elon Musk as vengeance for catastrophically lowering Tesla stock value. Makes for a delectable Valentine’s Day treat!

Running time: 4 hours 20 minutes. Stars Elon Reeve Musk and Jeffrey Preston Bezos. 

Rated E for Everyone To Enjoy.