r/adviceformachomen – 3.2 million members

u/ganyumainandstan – last online <1 hour ago

Hello, Reddit. This is my first venture into very, very scary territory. And by that, I mean that I am asking you lovely, kind-hearted, gentlemanly, chivalrous, noble, polite, endlessly courteous, and very successful Redditors for relationship advice.

Don’t get me wrong. I am a Reddit veteran. I have survived anime shipping wars and several threats of doxxing. (Note: I have had to move houses due to the latter, but after a bit of VPN fiddling and some calls to an Anonymous who works for the International Hacking Association, my firewall has become indestructible!) But this is my first time relying on advice from the Internet,  so I am understandably a little apprehensive.

For a bit of background, I (34M) am unemployed, and my wife (22F) is currently the sole contributor to the household. We were planning on having a child, but since I personally feel like that would be a lot to deal with, we’ve put that on the backburner. My hobbies are playing Valorant or League of Legends, eating Velveeta Mac & Cheese, and munching on Flaming Hot Cheetos. I also think Doritos are pretty delicious.

My wife and I have had a blissful, unproblematic relationship for the past two years, and I am so happy that we are married. I say bye to her when she leaves to go to work and say hi when she comes back. Sometimes I’ll even ask her a follow-up question about how her day has been before I go back into my room to grind to Radiant. Outside of that, I often invite her to my Valorant party, but she always rejects me. I think she’s just shy. 

Just three days ago, she cooked me Annie’s Mac ‘n Cheese. However, when I politely informed her that Annie’s is not the same thing as Velveeta (seriously, what kind of idiot could get that mixed up?) and Hulk-smashed the cardboard container into the trash can, she suddenly became very quiet and very upset before retreating into her room and slamming the door behind her.

When I tried to comfort her by texting her League of Legends fanart of my favorite character, Caitlyn (see https://static.lolwallpapers.net/2015/07/Officer-Caitlyn-Fan-Art.png for reference), she yelled at me from the bedroom to shut up. Then, when I yelled back that I still wanted my Velveeta because I was hungry and had just lost all my online matches, she blocked me on all platforms.

This morning, she gave me some papers that read “DIVORCE AGREEMENT” in super big letters and told me to sign them. Now I’m sitting in my room with Kanye (top dawg—listen to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TrQ7w1bdNvY for reference) blasting in the background. It feels like that one scene from Grey’s Anatomy where Addison goes “make a decision, Derek” and Derek is all “whatttttt?!” and ends up choosing Meredith. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can do what Derek did, because I have no Meredith…unless you count Velveeta? 

I am very unsure about what to do or how to proceed going forward. I’m so shocked that I’m actually beginning to question if this has all been a really weird dream and if I’ll wake up tomorrow to a steaming-hot bowl of mac & cheese. If Reddit has any advice for me, please respond in this thread with as much detail as possible. Please give me Kanye song recommendations as well, so I can play them while contemplating my life decisions. Thanks, gentlemen!