Dear Ms. Degree, 

It’s me. 1670 SAT, 5.34 weighted GPA, captain of my school’s JV Yacht-Racing team, winner of 14 participation trophies in my local Chinese school’s debate competition, co-founder of the Asian-Americans for Blind Bats Club. Oh, yeah, my name is also Jenna Smith, if that’s important in any way. Remember me? Unfortunately, when I attempted to email the below letter to you, I received a clearly automated out-of-office reply that told me to “stop contacting this office or else legal action will be taken.” But I, an ingenious high school senior, knew that you, a dedicated admissions officer, would be keeping tabs on my writerly endeavors and would want to know every single update on my life. So I, a proactive student, wrote this open letter in the school newspaper for your perusal. 

Firstly, I would like to discuss some changes to my application. I understand Prestige University LLC.’s binding ED policy. However, my own research has led me to realize that there is a deluge of areas in which Prestige University falls short where I, a seasoned scholar, could offer advice. For starters, your tuition is way too expensive for the amenities you offer. Even though I myself am in a more than satisfactory financial state to afford tuition, it’s frankly insulting to Prestige’s students that there are no stables, hunting ranges, or vineyards on campus! How the upper class declines, I say! In addition, I discovered that Bragbrag College is much more prestigious than Prestige University: their acceptance rate is 0.1% and yours is 1%. In fact, at this point, you’ve been moved down to safety school status on my list. Please consider this not as an affront, but a proclamation of my indisputable academic abilities and character. Additionally, I’d also like to make a salient change to my application: a few hours ago, I co-founded the Kim Kardashian Klub where we embezzle raise funds and donate all proceeds to the Kardashian Klan. I sincerely believe this to be a core part of my application and that my chances would suffer without its inclusion. 

Secondly, I would like to address the allegations against me. While I am confident that Prestige University is aware of the odious cancel culture and the hyper-vigilant woke mob that is rambunctious and raccoon-like in their filthy quest to dig up old dirt in a malicious endeavor to destroy our careers, our lives, and everything we hold dear, I am also a girl of honesty, a girl of virtue, a girl of ethics; after all, gorgeous gorgeous girls have it all. The allegations are true. I am a mobile Fortnite player.

And I have been a loyal one since the tumultuous times of Tilted Towers, the sexy stages of Snobby Shores, the glittering generations of Greasy Grove, the miraculous mirages of Moisty Mire. I was one of the first who noticed the meteor flickering in the sky; one of the first to fantasize the numerous ways in which it could fabricate itself in Fortnite’s battle royale arena; one of the first to felicitate the capacities of Kevin, the purple cube that materialized on the map; and of course, one of the first to fraternize with the likes of Default Jonesy himself. 

In conclusion, I hope you have come to realize that I, one of the most selective scholars in America, may not be attending your university even though I honestly will get admitted. Aside from my Fortnite allegations, my stellar status as a studded student—with statistics so sublime that a high school senior in Africa who cured cervical cancer, won an Olympic Gold medal, and became mayor of a small village, cries with fervent envy upon hearing my name—makes me overqualified for you. Catch you on the flippity-flip! 

Unequivocally yours until death do us part, 

5.34/1670 (Jenna Smith)

P.S. I will, however, be in contact with you again if Bragbrag College does not accept me.