An Open Letter to My College Admissions Officer


Art by Emily Hsu ’23!

Sherice Kong '23

Dear Ms. Degree, 


It’s me. 1670 SAT, 5.34 weighted GPA, captain of my school’s JV Yacht-Racing team, winner of 14 participation trophies in my local Chinese school’s debate competition, co-founder of the Asian-Americans for Blind Bats Club. Oh, yeah, my name is also Jenna Smith, if that’s important in any way. Remember me? Unfortunately, when I attempted to email the below letter to you, I received a clearly automated out-of-office reply that told me to “stop contacting this office or else legal action will be taken.” But I, an ingenious high school senior, knew that you, a dedicated admissions officer, would be keeping tabs on my writerly endeavors and would want to know every single update on my life. So I, a proactive student, wrote this open letter in the school newspaper for your perusal. 


Firstly, I would like to discuss some changes to my application. I understand Prestige University LLC.’s binding ED policy. However, my own research has led me to realize that there is a deluge of areas in which Prestige University falls short where I, a seasoned scholar, could offer advice. For starters, your tuition is way too expensive for the amenities you offer. Even though I myself am in a more than satisfactory financial state to afford tuition, it’s frankly insulting to Prestige’s students that there are no stables, hunting ranges, or vineyards on campus! How the upper class declines, I say! In addition, I discovered that Bragbrag College is much more prestigious than Prestige University: their acceptance rate is 0.1% and yours is 1%. In fact, at this point, you’ve been moved down to safety school status on my list. Please consider this not as an affront, but a proclamation of my indisputable academic abilities and character. Additionally, I’d also like to make a salient change to my application: a few hours ago, I co-founded the Kim Kardashian Klub where we embezzle raise funds and donate all proceeds to the Kardashian Klan. I sincerely believe this to be a core part of my application and that my chances would suffer without its inclusion. 


Secondly, I would like to address the allegations against me. While I am confident that Prestige University is aware of the odious cancel culture and the hyper-vigilant woke mob that is rambunctious and raccoon-like in their filthy quest to dig up old dirt in a malicious endeavor to destroy our careers, our lives, and everything we hold dear, I am also a girl of honesty, a girl of virtue, a girl of ethics; after all, gorgeous gorgeous girls have it all. The allegations are true. I am a mobile Fortnite player.


And I have been a loyal one since the tumultuous times of Tilted Towers, the sexy stages of Snobby Shores, the glittering generations of Greasy Grove, the miraculous mirages of Moisty Mire. I was one of the first who noticed the meteor flickering in the sky; one of the first to fantasize the numerous ways in which it could fabricate itself in Fortnite’s battle royale arena; one of the first to felicitate the capacities of Kevin, the purple cube that materialized on the map; and of course, one of the first to fraternize with the likes of Default Jonesy himself. 


In conclusion, I hope you have come to realize that I, one of the most selective scholars in America, may not be attending your university even though I honestly will get admitted. Aside from my Fortnite allegations, my stellar status as a studded student—with statistics so sublime that a high school senior in Africa who cured cervical cancer, won an Olympic Gold medal, and became mayor of a small village, cries with fervent envy upon hearing my name—makes me overqualified for you. Catch you on the flippity-flip! 


Unequivocally yours until death do us part, 

5.34/1670 (Jenna Smith)

P.S. I will, however, be in contact with you again if Bragbrag College does not accept me.