Area Man Confirms Stimulus Checks are Indeed “Cash Money” as Roommate Legally Purchases Alpaca

Bryan Liu ‘22

With unprecedented economic instability following the COVID-19 pandemic, the President took to Twitter last week to announce the arrival of the American Rescue Plan, a 1.9 trillion dollar stimulus package designed to contain the virus, deliver financial relief to families, and support communities who have been devastated by the pandemic [1].

Local man Cassius Mohney says that it was very “cash money” for Joe Biden to approve another round of stimulus packages – especially in these trying times.

Mohney used to work full-time as a mall Santa but was laid off when the pandemic hit. He explains, “before the first round of stimulus checks, I was unemployed, broke, and dissatisfied, but after I got my stimulus money, I’m still unemployed, broke, and dissatisfied. Except now I legally own an alpaca. Her name is Stacey. And she’s the only thing I care about now.” 

He later admits that Stacey was prescribed by his therapist as a special service alpaca to deal with ‘crippling daddy issues.’”And yet, given the stressful and mentally taxing circumstances, it’s a shame that more people don’t have their own therapy alpacas to deal with their everyday challenges,” he notes wisely.

In addition to the $2.2 trillion CARES Act passed later in March and a $900 billion relief deal in December of 2020, Biden’s plan outlines an ambitious stomp in an arbitrarily expensive, aggressively general direction with a pair of size 15 Air Jordans made of taxpayer money. The American Rescue Plan is just part one of a two-step initiative to rescue and recover the economy while campaigning for social justice and expanding access to reliable healthcare. And although, the second step is still under legislative development, lawmakers aim to launch plans for complete economic revival in the near future.

But while investigating Biden’s plan to invest in Americans, individuals like Mohney raise practical concerns regarding the efficacy of the stimulus. He notes that the amount of money may prove to be inadequate as his roommate Albert O’Paka adds, “I was going to use the money to settle all my student loan debt, get ahead on my rent this month, and purchase a limited edition signed DVD copy of the film ‘Precious’ based on the novel Push by Sapphire on eBay.”

The administration makes the stimulus sound like a miracle pill to cure COVID-induced economic downturn, but for people like Mohney and O’Paka, the expectation falls short of reality. O’Paka later admitted, “It turns out that the stimulus money can cover only one of those things so now if I want to pay off my student loans or even have a home, I might have to resort to recreational organ trafficking on Craigslist.” 

O’Paka still works his part-time job at Subway and claims to be “very fortunate”—as he retains all the benefits of a Subway employee. He also stated numerous times to “eat fresh” and that “honestly Subway is just a cookie place pretending to be a sandwich shop.”

All in all, President Biden’s plan has given everyday working class families and individuals a chance to overcome financial adversity in the form of a $1,400 check per-person: leading to a total relief payment of $2,000 from stimulus packages alone [2]. For what seems like the first time, the nation is starting to see change for the better. But for people like Cassius Mohney and Albert O’Paka, the road to recovery may still prove to be difficult.


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