When asked to define his standardized testing experiences in three words or less, Brian Weil ‘16 replied, “Mental abuse.” Whether it be the SAT I, SAT II, PSAT, ACT, PARCC, ASK, ABC, DEF, or XYZ that our current education system requires, high school has become more of a juggling act than anything else. And that does not even take into consideration the two weeks of torturous three-hour tests in the beginning of May that are just the cherries on top of everything, AP exams.
But Mama always said that standardized tests are like a box of chocolates… If they’re fancy, you’ll need to read an instruction manual.
It’s test day, and across the country, students grudgingly eat their nutritious pre-test breakfasts and wind up their wristwatches at ungodly hours in the morning. Instead of reading the cereal box for the fiftieth time, however, one is more likely to find students feverishly flipping through a prep book (all the while silently cursing oneself for studying League of Legends last night instead of some AP Calculus FRQs).
Whether skimming through vocabulary flashcards in the asinine effort to hinder a stalwart and impervious writing section or trying to understand the outrage that is a chi-square from the fringes of a tattered AP Biology manual, every student wishes for the best prep book in those precious minutes of pre-test breakfast. Yet in these last few moments of innocence before the much-anticipated “mental abuse,” which prep book could offer said salvation?
College Board: the epitome of all things good and holy in a rising senior’s life. Not only does their website provide vomit-inducing score reports, but their test-taking fees also make for depressed piggy banks, their mandatory cursive pledge statement induces much unnecessary stress, and they make prep books, too!
With its signature electric blue binding and dense one thousand page read, the College Board SAT book is truly the holy grail of SAT review. As satisfied customer Kevin Yan ‘16 exclaims, “I absolutely love the College Board prep books. They have all the answers and zero explanations, so I’m able to learn so much!” Taking actual questions from actual former tests is just one of the many great offers made on their front page—
clearly a feat that no other prep book brand could possibly perform.
But wait, there’s more! Purchase now and they will throw in their whole line of interminable flashcards that will surely sit in the car and collect dust or otherwise end up as origami folding paper.
But if College Board is the try-hard student body president, Barron’s is that Insta-famous kid with the coolest parents, the best parties, and the cutest dog. We all want to be friends with Barron’s, but secretly hate her at the same time. She’s popular—almost too popular. I mean, her #ootds and #thinspirations are just too mediocre for her not to be buying her followers.
“Barron’s has just always been there for me,” Brian McCormick ‘16 comments. “You know—if I ever felt like failing any test ever.”
Wei Wen ‘16 concedes the fact that Barron’s is his go-to, albeit overrated, girl: “I usually default to Barron’s prep books because the racially diverse students depicted on the covers really reassure me that the college admissions process does not discriminate!”
So she’s pretty hyped for being a staple in every kid’s backpack and having an attractively nondenominational appearance. Yet according to College Confidential, she’s a bit full of herself. By upping the difficulty level of each question, Barron’s is quite the heartbreaker for emotionally vulnerable test-takers. But who wouldn’t want their self-esteems squashed just weeks before taking their exams?
Barron’s: Breezy and beautiful? Maybe. Easy? Not so much.
But just in case the previous brands seem too mainstream for the coffee-chugging SAT hipsters out there, alternative (or indie, whatever your preference) choices line the shelves of Barnes & Noble for your viewing (and freeloading) pleasure. These include Princeton Review, Kaplan, CliffsNotes, 5 Steps to a 5, Sparknotes, Crash Course, and Gruber’s.
AP warrior Madeleine Kusel ‘16 quips, “I love Kaplan in that when I am studying late at night and I look at the terrible black-and-white visuals, I have momentary panic attacks that I have gone colorblind.”
Madeleine, the struggle is too real.
Ultimately, all prep books, whether written by a sadistic College Board professional or by an overactive third grader, will make us want to claw our eyes out.
Vaikunth Balaji ‘16 put it best when he said, “Prep books are like onions. The more you open them, the more you cry.”
So sometimes the best thing that we can do is take a deep breath amidst our frenzied studying regimens and relax. Take a power nap, eat our comfort food. Watch an episode of The Mindy Project. Or three. Whatever it is that averts stress and incessant worrying, do it. Because when testing days for the alphabet soup of exams finally arrive, face them with tenacity and fortitude. Whatever those words mean.